Much to the horror of horny young girls and tender young faglings everywhere, their apocalypse has come- at least if the recent challenge made by the author of the best-selling Vampire Chronicles series Anne Rice is accepted by Stephanie Meyer, rising star in the scene of vampire fiction.Only hours ago, Rice, 67, made an official announcement on her blog that she would "engage Stephanie Meyer in a battle to the death in the cemeteries of Savannah, Georgia," and that she felt that she had a divine duty to "wield her holy implements and destroy that which she had created."
Years ago, Rice had been the uncontested queen of gothic literature, with her sexually charged and often homoerotic Vampire Chronicles serving as a significant apocryphal scripture within the lives of darklings all over the world. However, after suffering a diabetic coma in 1998, Rice renounced her position and returned to Catholicism, leaving the realm of vampire fiction to be occupied by squatters.
One such squatter, Stephanie Meyer, a 35 year old Mormon housewife and author, managed to quickly establish power over the demesne, and drew in a slew of new followers with her best-selling vampire romance novel, Twilight.
"I never intended to become the new queen of darkness," said Meyer, in a recent interview. "I was mostly just trying to tell a romantic story that had a fantastic theme that ripped off the Bronte sisters at every possible opportunity. It's all just in good fun, right? What can it hurt?"
Apparently, the health of the human soul. Rice claims that she feels obligated to kill Meyer as a part of her continuing repentance.
"I've found Jesus again, and for that I am very glad. But I can never change the fact that it was my hands that created this intense lust for darkness in the hearts of American women. Thus, I must use my gifts and what remains of my eldritch powers to find this new queen and stake her through the heart before her curse can spread any further. I do this, in remembrance of Him," explained Rice, via a podcast.
"I'm not particularly afraid of her," Meyer stated. "I mean, isn't she like, in her 70's? And heavily, heavily insulin dependent? I could take her, no problem. If she gets too frisky, I'll just blind her with purple prose and finish the job while she's reeling," the Twilight author added."The vampiress Meyer may underestimate me," responded Rice via telepathic messages in the dreams of the pure hearted, "but she cannot understand the human heart, as can be witnessed by her awkward and stilted romantic dialogue. And imprinting? What the hell is THAT? I, on the other hand, have been imbued with the blessings of Heaven. My heart is consecrated. I can wield the holy water and the sacred silver weapons. And I wrote a book about Jesus. I am more than prepared to exorcise her ass."
Although Meyer has not officially responded to the challenge, fans of both authors are filled with fear.
"My online tarot reading told me this would happen," stated one worried fan. "It could be the end of the world as we know it!"
"It's just really sad, because I've gotten off to a lot of Anne Rice," replied another fan. "But the Twilight series is just soooo romantic. I wish my boyfriend could sparkle in the sunlight... instead he just smells like clove cigarettes and basement."
"You would never have this issue if they had both just decided to write about wizards," commented fellow author, J.K. Rowling. "But, of course, had they written about wizards, I would probably have to kill the both of them, so I suppose I can understand all this bad blood. It is a pity, though."
As this story develops, we here at the Whitechapel Revue will keep you updated.
Neither Anne Rice, Stephanie Meyer, nor J.K. Rowling were factually quoted in this post. This article is intended as an affectionate parody- well, affectionate on the part of Anne Rice and J.K Rowling. We don't actually have affection for Stephanie Meyer, so I suppose you would say it was just outright parody in her case. But you get the idea- don't sue us.
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