On January 29th, 2009, a federal judge in the state of California denied legal requests providing anonymity for over a thousand individuals who donated to the anti-gay marriage website ProtectMarriage.com. The individuals in question had all made non-anonymous donations to the website to promote the cause of preserving traditional marriage, but were shocked to find that making their donations public would come back to bite them when their names and addresses begun appearing on registries such as Eightmaps.com, which documents the legal addresses of known donors to the promotion of Proposition 8.The motion was made in an attempt to protect the donors, and their marriages, from not only the insidious revenge schemes of hateful gays and lesbians, but also from the supernatural antics of the various members of the Marvel Comics X-Men series.
"I was just on my way out of the house to head to church, when suddenly I was blown over by a blast of wind! My husband was clipped by a bolt of lightning! Before we could determine what happened, it was all over, but I distinctly remember seeing a flash of spandex, a blur of white hair, and the laugh of a strong black woman before I could get my bearings," reported Cindy Lou Augustheimer, one of the alleged victims of the backlash.
Two additional reports were filed within the week, wherein a Mormon man reported being accosted by a short, hairy man who reeked of cigars and seemed to be armed with a set of metal claws, and an African-American Methodist minister complained that a white woman had peeled off her skin and transformed into some sort of strange, sub-humanoid monster in the parking lot of his church.
"This is clearly terrorism, and an assault on God's will for our country," stated Pat Boone, political know-nothing and has-been singer. "It's bad enough we have to suffer through all these fags, dykes, and trannies with their sex addictions and their reasonable arguments for equality, but to have to deal with a sub-set of our population that could literally kill us with their thoughts just for disagreeing with their political agenda is just too much. I certainly hope that God, in all his infinite wisdom, does exactly what I think he should do and brings a plague or something. Oh shit, are those hot wings? Do you all mind if I have a few?"
Although no official charges have been filed against any of the X-men, Professor Charles Xavier, mutant rights activist and fictional character, is adamant in asserting the innocence of his pupils.
"What people need to understand is that we advocate peaceful education and activism for all groups, mutants or otherwise. The X-Men would never attack innocent civilians, unless it was one of those story arcs in which I was being controlled by Cassandra Nova and had become evil. Clearly, this is the work of the Brotherhood of Evil Mutants, or very possibly the work of a very powerful, but maladjusted drag queen."
The Federal Bureau of Investigations has stated they will begin to look into these attacks within the coming week. However, even should enough evidence be accumulated to file charges against known members of either the gay or mutant community, the courts do not intend to repeal their decision anytime soon.
"Look, it's time for people to grow a pair and put their money where their mouth is. If you want to start advocating against any group of people- which is what you do when you give money to a cause that is petitioning for the removal of rights from a minority group- you have to acknowledge that not everyone might like that. And if that means your gay hairdresser ruins your weave, or dykes egg your house, or you get killed by Dark Phoenix, then so be it. That's just how this great nation works," stated a source within the California Supreme Court.
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