I mean, if he didn't smite me when I opened that sweatshop, I rather doubt he would smite me for blogging. I mean, I love him as dearly as I must to avoid damnation, but I don't know that God is the most trend-savvy fellow- at least not if this whole gay marriage debacle is any indicator. Now, as I have assured you, I am a devout Presbylutheritarian (Reformed, of course, dear), and I firmly believe that marriage should be between a woman and the man that can afford her. But, from a strictly legal standpoint, it's all just so depressing. I mean, I wouldn't shake a lesbian's hand, but who I am to deny her the right to marry for money?
I would like to share with you an excerpt of a recent interview I had with a young journalist from Malta, on this very subject.
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Here's a recent interview I did with Jonathan Harrington, of some Maltese magazine. I always thought Maltese was just an ornamental style, but did you know it was a country- with PEOPLE in it? I didn't. Anyway, we discuss gay marriage, murder, my new pornographic endeavors, and ignore the topic of the right to divorce in Malta. Thanks, me!
JH: So Blaine, it's funny how you're fighting for gay marriage and we're fighting for divorce.
BW: Dear, I'm fighting for whatever let's me come out of the whole ordeal a little richer.
JH: How will gay marriages make you richer?
BW: Oh, many, MANY ways, dear. First of all, a smart bride will register at a store that is so far out of her price range that she can make a mint off the pawn shop earnings after her honeymoon. But that's pretty much just common sense, isn't it? I mean, who asks for a food processor that isn't planning on hocking it for some mad money and maybe a little pot? Secondly, it opens my financial options more than open trading on the NASDAQ. If I could con a wealthy lesbian LEGALLY, I would do it faster than I would break parole in Cabo St. Lucas during spring break, isn't that right? But who wouldn't, I mean, honestly now.
JH: Isn't it more profitable selling brown people's kidneys, though?
BW: it is, but it's harder to get behind a movement like that in a bumper sticker setting. By the way, I'm giving this exclusive interview to you and you alone, darling. Feel free to get starstruck or even play with your nipples in excitement, I don't mind.
JH: Well, thank you, Blaine! And yeah, that's true. Advertising kidney selling is a drag. By the way, I'm already ahead of you. My nipples are purple with delight and pain.
BW: Exquisite! But back to the topic at hand... So yes, I fully support... what was it again? Fags having dogs or nuns in the military, or something, right?
JH: More legal options in conning people, I think.
BW: Ah, of course. I fully believe (and this is a belief founded in the Scriptures) that everyone has a right to try and bed someone in some sort of financial power play, even if they are mentally ill or whatever it is they are that makes the gay-bashing so out of style nowadays.
JH: So, let's be frank- do you plan on killing the people that are lured into your trap, like one of those plants with mouths, or just ditch them in the closest lake?
BW: well, Jonathan, I'll have you know, I am a good Christian woman. I was brought up with the strong heartfelt beliefs of the American heartland. That, and with sexual abuse, but mostly those homespun family values- and one of the scriptures I take most to heart is "Thou shall not murder." That's why it's so fortuitous every person I've ever been with always suffered from such unusual accidents right after the will was revised to include me.
JH: It's not murder if you accidentally push them into an open fire, I guess.
BW: Or switch their insulin with pool water, yes. It's an act of God. Like when a tornado hits a church. Or when financially secure white heterosexuals get AIDs.
JH: Now, Blaine- aren't you afraid these accidents suddenly happening against wealthy gays will spur up the leprechauns and unicorns to come and attack you? We know that the secret confederation of gays hides these alliances well, saving them for cases just like this.
BW: One would think. However, and I'm very secure in this, I don't believe the gays will call in their gambits against a woman with so much fantastic jewelry, or such luscious tits. It's not in their nature. No, I think, worst case scenario, I'll just become an odd sort of role model, like Heidi Fleiss, or Joan Crawford.
JH: That's probably true, they'd just compliment your fashion style instead.
BW: *laughs* God knows if they can find time to emulate a child beating cokefiend and a coke-snorting prostitute in one of their little parades, they can make way for a pinnacle of good grace and bawdy entertainment such as myself. And speaking of which, Jonathan, wherever did you learn to interview? One of those correspondence journalism courses? We've been talking all this time, and you've YET to mention my new all-boy revue!
JH: Um... all boy revue?
BW: Oh yes. I'm very excited. I've recently started working with porn megastar Chichi Larue to put together a show I like to call Blaine Woodturtle's Old World Sausage Party with Blaine Woodturtle, No Children Allowed, Starring Blaine Woodturtle Part 1. It will be an absolute CAVALCADE of Penises. Also, yours truly! ... Did I use that word right? Cavalcade? I'm not even sure. It's so hard making things that come out of your mouth be in English after your third bottle of Cristal.
JH: I think so. Especially if it's a rather long episode.
BW: Oh, it WILL be. You have to see it. It's only playing in select locations- by which I mean my living room TV. And it isn't so much that I am working WITH Chichi Larue in as much as I buy a lot of porn, and I'm making the best looking of my illegal immigrant staff and some local street kids fuck each other silly for a sawbuck. But it will be fantastic!
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Well, it gets a little off track from there. But, now that I've laid it out for you so succinctly, I think you would have to be a fool to argue, don't you agree? Of course you do. I'm sorry to disappoint you by appearing so liberal, but I will assure you- during my stint here at the Revue, I intend to keep things grounded and keep these mushroom-eating, piss-swilling, fur-boycotting liberal bullies in line! It's very important for us to set a good example for young, evil Republicans out there. You can be socially and financially conservative and still be as vile as Heather Locklear's ovaries, and I don't intend to let anyone miss that message, no!
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