Temporal distortion on Wisteria Lane triggers Day of Lavos

There are two things in our world that tend to stay fairly stable- suburban life, and the time-space continuum. You can generally expect a row of well-manicured lawns to stay as such, just as you can expect Thursday to be Thursday and here not to be there. After all, the Department of Chronology and White Women was built upon a thousand year legacy of accountability, so why worry?

It was this exact thought that must have been going through the heads of both the Multidimensional Time and Space Observational Task Force and the Wisteria Lane Homeowner's Association early this fall, when the first signs of interdimensional disruption began to become apparent. These disruptions, beginning late September 2008, seemed fairly small at first, but it wasn't long before the entire street of Wisteria Lane had been shifted through time into roughly 2013.

This jump through time, although unexpected, didn't appear to be terribly troubling. "You have to understand, we're not even exactly sure where Wisteria Lane is," replied Doug Javier, a representative for MTSOTF. "It isn't altogether unusual for a location with a questionable spatial coordinates to have occasional temporal slips... we call it 'scooting', actually."

"Well, yeah, it was a bit unnerving," replied Wisteria Lane resident, Gabriel Solis-Lang-Solis-Whoeverisnext. "I was pretty fucking pissed to have gotten a whole half decade older overnight. Plus, I have these two kids now, and that's sort of a buzzkill. But, the extra weight made my breasts bigger, so I figured, eh... this is life, right?"

Unfortunately, the sudden acceleration in time had more consequences than unwanted wrinkles, weight, or offspring. As the citizens of the timeshifted street began to move about their new lives in the future, a creeping evil emerged from beneath the world's surface, and even now threatens to rise and bring about the end of human civilization as we know it.

This being, an interstellar parasite going by the name Lavos (or Crispy to his buds) is estimated to have landed on our planet roughly 65 billion years ago, at which point he burrowed into the planet's mantle, orchestrated most of the world's evolution, and took time off to star in various Ayla/Lavos erotic tentacle fics and flash movies. Although it long been believed that Lavos' emergence would happen in the year 1999 AD, the event never occurred. While no reason for this absence was ever determined, many believe that Lavos may have been defeated by unknown heroes at another time in our history. Others believe he may have actually emerged, but his debut was overshadowed by the panic rising over the Y2K bug. Whatever the reason, Lavos currently remains in the Earth's mantle, ever sleeping and dreaming of the day he can annihilate all life, flood the earth with his ravenous spawn, and send his consciousness back into the stars.

Unfortunately, however, recent MTSOTF readings show that Lavos' level of activities have increased dramatically since the Wisteria Lane time jump, and that the alien overlord appears to be drifting towards surface a little more each day.

"I must say, if this Lavos or whatever his name is insists on crawling out of the earth and destroying our ecosystem, the least he could do is call and make sure we can schedule his arrival in advance! Honestly, it shows very poor manners on his part, and at his age there is no excuse," stated Wisteria Lane resident Bree Hodge. "Now, tell me, this Lavos fellow... is he a fan of lemon meringue pie? I would love to have a little get together to welcome him to the surface. I'll take care of the dessert, and if you don't mind, you can provide a nice garden salad. There's a dear."

"We don't really know when Lavos will emerge, or if he even will, but our scanners do tell us he's particularly partial towards meringue," responded Javier. "Maybe there is hope for a dramatic but comical solution to this issue yet!"

Perhaps there is. But, should Lavos not be impressed with the sprawl of suburbia upon his appearance, we all may have much reason to be concerned. The MTSOTF states that in the case of a mass dimensional emergency, citizens of this dimension should take precaution and prepare a disaster kit in their basement, equipped with nonperishable foods and potable water. Most importantly, they urge individuals not to try and take on Lavos directly, nor do they recommend allowing Lavos to kill them and then replacing themselves with a copy of themselves from a timestream in which Lavos did not kill them.

"We... find that sort of tactic is often problematic," stated Javier. "However, that said, we do feel that with proper preparation, the people of this dimension should be able to adapt and conquer in the case of Lavos' awakening. A little forethought can go a long way towards averting disaster, after all."

In the meantime, the MTSOTF intends to stay vigilant. But what of the timeshifted residents of Wisteria Lane?

"SCHALA LIVES!" screamed local resident, Edie Britt, before tearing out her hair and weeping hysterically. "She lives and dooms us all... she liiiiiiiiiiiiiives!"

Vampire novel authors to meet on the field of battle

Much to the horror of horny young girls and tender young faglings everywhere, their apocalypse has come- at least if the recent challenge made by the author of the best-selling Vampire Chronicles series Anne Rice is accepted by Stephanie Meyer, rising star in the scene of vampire fiction.

Only hours ago, Rice, 67, made an official announcement on her blog that she would "engage Stephanie Meyer in a battle to the death in the cemeteries of Savannah, Georgia," and that she felt that she had a divine duty to "wield her holy implements and destroy that which she had created."

Years ago, Rice had been the uncontested queen of gothic literature, with her sexually charged and often homoerotic Vampire Chronicles serving as a significant apocryphal scripture within the lives of darklings all over the world. However, after suffering a diabetic coma in 1998, Rice renounced her position and returned to Catholicism, leaving the realm of vampire fiction to be occupied by squatters.

One such squatter, Stephanie Meyer, a 35 year old Mormon housewife and author, managed to quickly establish power over the demesne, and drew in a slew of new followers with her best-selling vampire romance novel, Twilight.

"I never intended to become the new queen of darkness," said Meyer, in a recent interview. "I was mostly just trying to tell a romantic story that had a fantastic theme that ripped off the Bronte sisters at every possible opportunity. It's all just in good fun, right? What can it hurt?"

Apparently, the health of the human soul. Rice claims that she feels obligated to kill Meyer as a part of her continuing repentance.

"I've found Jesus again, and for that I am very glad. But I can never change the fact that it was my hands that created this intense lust for darkness in the hearts of American women. Thus, I must use my gifts and what remains of my eldritch powers to find this new queen and stake her through the heart before her curse can spread any further. I do this, in remembrance of Him," explained Rice, via a podcast.

"I'm not particularly afraid of her," Meyer stated. "I mean, isn't she like, in her 70's? And heavily, heavily insulin dependent? I could take her, no problem. If she gets too frisky, I'll just blind her with purple prose and finish the job while she's reeling," the Twilight author added.

"The vampiress Meyer may underestimate me," responded Rice via telepathic messages in the dreams of the pure hearted, "but she cannot understand the human heart, as can be witnessed by her awkward and stilted romantic dialogue. And imprinting? What the hell is THAT? I, on the other hand, have been imbued with the blessings of Heaven. My heart is consecrated. I can wield the holy water and the sacred silver weapons. And I wrote a book about Jesus. I am more than prepared to exorcise her ass."

Although Meyer has not officially responded to the challenge, fans of both authors are filled with fear.

"My online tarot reading told me this would happen," stated one worried fan. "It could be the end of the world as we know it!"

"It's just really sad, because I've gotten off to a lot of Anne Rice," replied another fan. "But the Twilight series is just soooo romantic. I wish my boyfriend could sparkle in the sunlight... instead he just smells like clove cigarettes and basement."

"You would never have this issue if they had both just decided to write about wizards," commented fellow author, J.K. Rowling. "But, of course, had they written about wizards, I would probably have to kill the both of them, so I suppose I can understand all this bad blood. It is a pity, though."

As this story develops, we here at the Whitechapel Revue will keep you updated.

Neither Anne Rice, Stephanie Meyer, nor J.K. Rowling were factually quoted in this post. This article is intended as an affectionate parody- well, affectionate on the part of Anne Rice and J.K Rowling. We don't actually have affection for Stephanie Meyer, so I suppose you would say it was just outright parody in her case. But you get the idea- don't sue us.