Lies About Gwyneth Paltrow

If we believe in one thing here at the Whitechapel Revue, it's the Aeon Horus, who signifies the end of this world and the beginning of the next. However, if we believed in two things, it would be the Aeon Horus, and journalistic integrity. It is with this notion in mind that we would like to counteract the spirit of rumor mongering and tabloid journalism by putting to rest several rumors surrounding Academy Award winning actress Gwyneth Paltrow.

You may have heard that Gwyneth Paltrow has an eating disorder. This is not true. In fact, quite the contrary, she loves food and even did a tour across Spain with food celebrity Mario Batali as part of a documentary that chronicles the food culture of the Spanish people.

You may have heard that Gywneth's Paltrow's marriage to Coldplay frontman Chris Martin is turbulent and plagued with problems, with a divorce on the horizon. This is not true. Gwyneth and Chris are happily married and have no plans on breaking up now, or at any point in the foreseeable future.

You may have heard Gwyneth Paltrow is prone towards incredible diva-like behavior, which led to major problems on the set of Iron Man. This is not true. Gwyneth was not only highly professional, but was a genuine pleasure for the cast and crew of 2008 superhero blockbuster to work alongside. She also reported feeling not only honored to work with Hollywood great, Robert Downey Jr, but also thrilled to be part of such a memorable and well written project.

You may have heard that Gwyneth Paltrow carries a Glock 17 handgun in her purse at all times, so she can take regular breaks in her schedule to fire aimlessly into the heavens. This is not true. It is much more likely that she owns a Type 64 silenced pistol, and exercises extreme firearm safety while discharging round after round into the face of God.

You may have heard that Gwyneth Paltrow defecates into a mixing bowl each morning, and then stores the bowl in a subzero freezer until nightfall, at which point she removes it and places it in her room so that she can fall asleep to the fragrance of her own defrosting excrement. This is not true. Gwyneth defecates in a toilet like anyone else, and falls asleep the fragrance of her children's soiled and rancid diapers (which she keeps in a basket by her bed).

You may have heard that Gwyneth Paltrow gained her acting talent by drinking a mystical elixir created from Blythe Danner's urine. This is probably not true, as scientists proved that Blythe Danner's urine has no magical properties in a 1987 MIT study.

You may have heard that Gwyneth Paltrow can only become sexually aroused if she hears the sound of a prepubescent boy crying in pain and fear. This is not true. Records show that the cries of adolescent boys and German shepherds are also sufficient.

You may have heard that Gwyneth Paltrow operates as an envoy for the Goetic demon Glasya-Labolas. This is not true. Glasya-Labolas makes his will known through Sharon Stone, with whom Gwyneth Paltrow is reported to have a great enmity.

You may have heard that Gwyneth Paltrow keeps an elaborate doll of Angelina Jolie in her home, and that she regularly anoints the doll with scented oils and menstrual blood. This is not true. The doll is of Jennifer Aniston.

You may have heard many, many things about Gwyneth Paltrow, but many of them are false- from her supposed suicide attempts while dealing with post-partum depression to her inability to tolerate the Dutch, these wildly circulated rumors are often not based in reality at all. Even the tiniest bit of fact checking would prove this to be the case, and we at the Revue officially reprimand irresponsible publications that would distribute such obvious lies while posing as authentic journalists.

The above is merely parody. We have no idea if Gwyneth Paltrow actually is a gun crazy lunatic who likes the smell of shit and gets off on boys crying or not, so please do not consider this post to be any sort of official statement or speculation.