Blaine Woodturtle, Gossip Goddess

So terribly sorry about the extended absence. Our staff was en route to Tahiti for a weekend of decadence, when it would seem God weighed in and next thing you know, our plane was crashed on some deserted island! It was a brutal place with little food and water and horrible conditions- not a single God damned TJ Maxx or Lane Bryant on the entire forsaken rock! Not to mention all the swarms upon swarms of flesh-eating gnats! I haven't been chewed like that since I went on a date with Lily Tomlin back in 1976!

Fortunately, I managed to survive by putting my faith in God above, and putting my phylactery in a safe deposit box in Kansas City! The others, unfortunately, wasted away to absolutely nothing within no time at all, really. They probably could have survived until the Coast Guard arrived, I imagine, but they insisted on eating nothing but local wildlife and vegetation. I can get behind a lot of things, but I will NOT sit back and watch my friends eat non-organic food. It just isn't condusive to healthy living, Heavens no! After I take care of a few errands and get around to resurrecting them, I am certain they will thank me for my vigilance and concern.

Since you've all been so good and waited so diligently for my next post, I will take a few moments to weigh in on some current gossip. Thank God for E! News Mobile, or else my entire stint on that wretched isle would have been for waste!

First of all, it would seem one Miss Bristol Palin has decided to become some sort of spokesperson for teenage abstinence. I'm not sure who came up with that idea, but I'm certain whoever it was is feeling pretty good about themselves after missing the opportunity to sign on the late Christopher Reeve as the official spokesperson for equestrianism. Also, I must say, who doesn't follow the "do as I say, not as I do" model quite as well as an American teenager?

Secondly, rumor has it that star of reality TV's John and Kate Plus 8, John Gosselin, was recently spotted leaving the Legends Lounge at 2 a.m. on April 18th, drunk and in the company of another woman. Current rumors allege that the family man is cheating on his wife and the mother of his eight children with this other woman. Now, I'm not going to take sides or point fingers, or anything like that. All I have to say is this: can we really blame Snake Plissken for trying to escape from New York? I mean, really now.

Speaking of mothers who need to know when to stop, let's take a moment to talk about the Octo-Mom, Nadya Suleman. God knows she's wanting us to.

And finally, I feel I simply must weigh in on the break up of Lindsay Lohan and gal pal Samantha Ronson. I have to say I am somewhat surprised. I'm not so much shocked that they broke up- I've been to Lilith Fair, you know, so I can tell you right now that La Lohan couldn't have made a great lesbian. I mean, she can barely put together a coherent sentence for the camera, God knows she couldn't get her tongue to do even more advanced tricks. But what really shocks me is coming to find that Sam Ronson isn't one of the Jonas Brothers!

Well, that's all for now. I have to go say hello to all my shoes and purses, and then call up Carrie Prejean and let her know that even though God didn't make her tits, He still loves them as much as any one of His creations.